Understanding My Own Mindset
Where I am now is entirely of my own doing and design. Everything I have or don’t have is a result of my own decision making. I have spent a lifetime blaming everyone else but myself for where I am today. That finally changed just shy of my forty-nineth birthday, when for the first time in my life I took responsibility, and accepted the nightmare of a financial mess I was in. My warped sense of entitlement, my careless spending, my poor decisions all got me here. Having done a lot of soul searching I believe there are some key issues that shaped my decision making and affected where I was.
I believed I was going to inherit.
I have spent my entire life being told by my mom “Your father will always look after you”, and “we are always going to be there for you”, “you’ll never be poor”, “everything your father is doing, is for us”, and “all of this is going to be yours and your sister’s one day”,…..I think growing up those declarations were spoken to my sister and I with such confidence and conviction from such a young age, and were declared so often, that we actually believed them and they became our truth and security. We excused my father for all of his years of being absent, working in different cities and countries for nearly all of our teenage years, knowing it was all being done for us. Looking back my father never said any of those things to us. Just mom, who I think wanted desperately to believe those words so she could excuse my father for never being home and for working away for so many years. My sister and I had been taught to have a false sense of security about the certainty of inheriting enough money that we would never have to worry about being prepared for retirement. This ‘knowing’ has been my security blanket for my entire life. I bought whatever I wanted and never felt like I had to worry about tomorrow because of the inheritance that would eventually be bestowed on us.
Working in the banks I was witness to hundreds of estate meetings where surviving children were surprised to learn they didn’t inherit anything or anything close to what they were expecting. Many adult children grieving for their parent’s deaths, are shocked at the double tragedy of not only losing a parent, but with deliverance of news such as:
Their parents did not have any money at all,
Parents still had a mortgage and credit card debt,
One parent had died and left everything to their current spouse (Stepmom or Stepdad) leaving the children and grandchildren from the first marriage with nothing,
Mom and dad had a reverse mortgage on their house,
Mom and dad were living off their pensions and those benefits died with them,
Dad never changed the beneficiary on his life insurance policy at his workplace, and the insurance went to an ex-girlfriend from twenty years ago when he first started his job. He did not update the information to remove her and add his only daughter, even though he only dated the ex-girlfriend for less than two years thirty years ago.
Mom left all her money to one child and not the other, causing great conflict,
Mom left all her money to charity, even what was in her safety deposit box,
Mom hated the daughter’s husband so never left anything to them as she did not want her daughter’s husband to benefit,
They were going to get a little bit of money over an extended period of time, and not all at once,
Money went to grown grandchildren and other family members, and not directly to the children,
Dad lived to be ninety-eight and his healthcare was $5,000 month for fifteen years so there was no money left,
Mom and dad never left a will and settling the estate took years and was fraught with years of in-family fighting,
· Dad had a secret gambling problem and had eight credit cards racked up,
· Dad was a victim of an online dating scam and refinanced the house to its entirety to wire the money overseas.
All the while I witnessed these above-mentioned incidents, I never thought that any of those circumstances would happen to my sister and I.
We are living in an era where we have heard for years about the huge wave of inheritance that is coming from the baby boomers to their kids in the next decade, and more people than you think are using this mentality as their retirement plan. I have done the same thing myself, and it is an all-too-common conversation when speaking to clients of a certain age who have no savings to ask about their retirement, only to hear the response, “Oh, I’m not that worried as I will inherit quite a bit from my parents”. If I had a nickel every time, I heard that, I'd have thousands of dollars!
I do not want to sit around waiting for my parents to pass away. I truly want them to spend long and happy lives and do all the things in retirement that they have always dreamed of doing. I do not want to think about them dying. None of us should ever expect it or plan it to be part of our retirement planning. Inheritance is a gift, a nice surprise and nothing more than that. One may receive a lot or nothing, but it is not worth gambling your own future on a wish or a hope, and we must learn to stand on our own two feet and live like it does not exist as it truly might not. We really should not be expecting anything from anyone other than ourselves.
Inheritance and winning the lottery are about hope and hope is the act of doing nothing.
I believed everything I was told from advertising.
I really hate to write this, but I probably have been a lot more influenced by advertising than I have previously cared to acknowledge. My mind always had slogans swirling around in my head, Life is short, Live for today, You only live once, I deserve it, I might be dead soon, I’m worth it, I work so hard, I might be dead tomorrow and what’s the point of working if I can’t enjoy it? These slogans had invisibly absorbed into my mindset and interwoven into my daily entitlement giving me permission to justify careless spending. We say to ourselves that we deserve to go on a nice holiday every year, we deserve a nice new car, and nice new clothes, etc. I used to put these slogans in my back pocket every time I was at the mall and would pull one out whenever I bought something, I knew I didn’t need, in order to justify my careless waste of hard-earned dollars. How many times have I told myself how worth it I am or deserving I am, because I work so hard? You guessed it, a lot! Even if I didn’t have the money, (which was all the time!), I indulged myself in whatever I thought I deserved.
Beautiful imagery and branding of a desired lifestyle that may have included glamour, romance, and sex, were all desperately missing from my own reality. I wanted it all despite the cost. Disneyland for adults in the form of tropical holidays, long flowing dresses, highlighted hair, gold bangles, sparkly bronzing cream that smelled like coconuts, and a designer watch; I wanted everything advertising told me I deserved and if I didn’t have a family, kids, and people to love, then I would have stuff and all the things I dreamed of instead. The only problem was that my $65,000/annual gross salary at the time could just not support my house looking like it came out of the pages of Architectural Digest, or my wardrobe out of the pages of Vogue. I took something I was worthy of, creditworthiness and with that I would create the illusion of that desired lifestyle by whipping out my gold credit card and not buying but borrowing the money for whatever I wanted.
I believed in Fairy Tales.
My first boss who was an affluent and generous man and who was a Financial Planner with many designations after his name, wrote up a ten-step sheet to financial freedom. Rule number one was, “Never divorce your first wife”. It was funny at the time, and we would all laugh about it in the office, but he, being much older and wiser than myself, knew all too well the power of that advice. Not getting divorced is a crucial key to financial success.
I briefly mentioned my two divorces earlier in this book. Being twice divorced at forty-nine comes with unspeakable shame. As a little girl I dreamed I would meet the man (Prince) of my dreams and we would get married, have children, and live happily ever after. I have failed miserably in these attempts twice. Divorce is something so indescribably painful, both emotionally and financially. I did not have children and know for many people divorce is even a harder experience than what I went through for that reason. Devastating is not strong enough a word for what I have seen so many people, having to endure and it leaves many deep, painful, emotional, and financial scars to entire families.
Many times, I would almost be devoid of emotion of a widow in a client meeting, whose spouse died, and he/she received life insurance, all of their spouses’ investments were transferred over tax free, all debts forgiven (if they were insured), and the support of people rallying round. What does she have to be upset about I used to think? Try getting divorced. I now feel somewhat shameful for my lack of empathy for those widows, but divorce is a death as well not only of that person, but it is also a death of your net worth, a death of income, self-esteem, and a death of family and lifestyle.
In divorce you lose half or more of everything you’ve worked for your entire life, and in the majority of cases and certainly in my own, one takes on more debt than you’ve ever known possible. Many people must sell and move out of their homes and start their entire lives again, you lose half your friends and live with judgmental looks and question yourself negatively for years, What did I do wrong?, What’s wrong with me?, Why did he leave?, Why couldn’t I make it work? Many have the added debt of half time (or less), with their children and financially debilitating child support and alimony. It truly is a lose-lose experience.
I am not saying never get married or never get divorced, but by fifty many of us have lived, and suffered so deeply for so many reasons, and have very deep scars and are just pretty screwed up! We are jaded and tired and in debt and divorced, and some of us may be widowed and we know all too well of the emotional pain, sorrow, and financial devastation of life’s long and winding road. Men have such a terrible rap of being dead-beat dads, but I have met hundreds of divorced men over the years who are not dead-beat dads, who are renting basement suites, drowning in debt and child support payments, with angry ex partners and kids who don’t want to see them. This is true for many other people who do unfortunately have partners not willing to take on their share of the financial and childcaring obligations. It is heartbreaking just witnessing the pain in people’s faces and that feeling of being in a hole so deep that one could never climb out of it and not knowing where to start.
Life certainly is not always fair, or a fairy tale, and does not always end with, happily ever after. If you haven’t had a fairy tale life up to this point do not despair as it is possible to write your own story in your next chapter.
I did not have enough faith in myself and was not living authentically.
I have spent nearly my entire life listening to other people's advice telling me what I should or shouldn’t do. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated the well-intentioned advice, but somewhere it crossed the line between being given advice and being told what to do.
I spent many years in unhappy jobs and stressed trying to impress people with stuff and things that did not even impress me. I was a people pleaser or parent pleaser for much of my life and I do not think I started to live to my full potential or live the life meant for me until I turned fifty. Up to this point I had exchanged who I was and what I loved to do with who I wanted love from. I had the mindset of if I did everything I was supposed to, I would be loved, instead of having people in my life who loved me for who I was.
I went to art college and had a successful career in the arts, but it was not what my father wanted for me. It was something I chose to feel shame about and walked with a big black cloud over my head for many years because of it. I did not live in a home of we love and support you with whatever you decide to do, so I was always living apologetically. I adopted a mindset of taking a safe job working in a lot of office environments and bank jobs which did not fulfill me or make me happy, or get me anywhere, in fact they filled me with anger, resentment, self-loathing and sorrow. For what? For a paycheck that I spent on crap. If I could do it all again, I would have really continued to pursue what I needed to for me and broken from that environment much sooner to create my own life and identity.
I bought a certain house to please and I bought a certain car and dressed a certain way, wore my hair a certain way and slowly lost my own identity; creating a world for myself that was really alien to my own heart. I spent foolishly compensating for this pain and loss. It was not anyone’s fault that I did this. I did it all on my own. I just wished I realized what I was doing much earlier in life, and how trying to please others caused me so much emotional and financial suffering. I had not realized how I turned to shopping, or owning stuff, as the solution to making myself feel better, or to cover up for my pain. I would have rather failed at something I loved doing, than failed at something I didn’t love doing.
For the rest of my life, I am committed to doing what makes me happy and living an authentic life. I will no longer try to be someone I am not. I believe that if you live in your truth good things will happen.
I constantly lived in the past and was angry and bitter. Live in the present.
The hardest lesson I am learning is to be content with who I am and where I am today. It has taken a long time to stop punishing myself for the past. For decades, I sat in the driver’s seat staring in the rearview mirror at my past life, buying myself things to make me feel better because of what was lost years ago. I am reminded again of the serenity prayer and coming to terms with accepting the things I cannot change, like the past. See the old life for what it was and start looking ahead and creating a new life! The image of Lot’s wife in the Bible (Genesis 19), of how she became a pillar of salt after she looked back at Sodom and the life they were fleeing, always comes to mind when I get into that mindset of regret and self-punishing myself for yesterday. If you make a mistake today, tomorrow is a new day. Forgive yourself. Whatever you did or spent is done and over with. Living in the past is just not productive or healthy and it’s gone, and that time does not even exist anymore. I have found it immensely difficult to live in the present, especially if you are also living in the past. It is easier said than done sometimes but if you can live in today, and stop looking back, hopefully it will make way for some positive change in your future and help you to forgive yourself.
Late one Saturday morning shortly after my first divorce. I was lying in bed, hungover from drinking a bottle of wine the night before, crying and feeling sorry for myself and feeling lonely. My mom had come over unexpectedly. She had a key to my house, and came upstairs and saw the state I was in. She turned around, went downstairs, and made me a cup of tea and brought it up and sat on the edge of the bed. She told me I had two choices for the day. I could continue to live like this feeling sorry for myself, crying and getting drunk, or I could get up, take a nice hot shower, have a hot cup of tea (she was British), and go for a nice walk with her and the dogs. I ended up taking her advice that morning and we had a lovely day together. I think that was the best advice my mom ever gave me. She told me that I cannot stop living when another part of my life dies. A new day, a new beginning, and it is up to me to decide how that day is going to take shape. For years I had forgotten that lesson but today I live with this mindset every day in honor of her.
Learning to be content, Fantasyland and keeping up with the Joneses.
We watched a lot of TV and movies growing up and apart from the TV show Roseanne, there always seemed to be a disconnect between the families on TV and with our own family. In the movies the houses were bigger with really nice furniture, all of the homes were decorated beautifully, their cars were new and fancy. They all wore nice clothes, and their hair and makeup were all done. Everyone was skinny and good looking. The dad in the film worked in an office just like my dad, and mom worked at home or had a part time job just like my mom. How was it possible for all of these TV and movie families to have such nice things when we had just ordinary things? No one fought about money in the TV sitcoms. It was a puzzle and although there was the realization that this was a movie, or TV show, there was still an ever-present cloud of comparison of the perfect movie family and our real-life family. I think there was a subconscious desire and envy for my friends and I to all have the same things as these TV and film characters had, and I formed comparisons between them and us. Those families were all make believe, they were actors living in a made-up world, but it all seemed real and attainable, and we could go and buy those same or similar things and emulate their made-up lives.
Now in life our society is obsessed with celebrities and maybe we can’t have their mansions, but we can emulate them by having the same haircuts or wearing the same brand of clothes, or buying their line of skin care or makeup, or carrying the same handbags, wearing the same watch, or driving the same vehicle. The only difference is they make millions of dollars a year, and some of us are making $15 an hour or $31,000 a year! This didn’t stop us from buying $1,500 handbags we saw our favorite celebrity wearing, or $500 sunglasses and a $40 designer lipstick. All of these images on TV, movies and advertising made very strong impressions. There was such a desire to fit in and succumb to the peer pressure of actually buying and obtaining objects to match these completely made-up fantasy worlds.
I carried around with me an invisible measuring stick of where I thought I was supposed to be based on my age and TV or movie character comparisons. I should have this, I should be this, I should be here with my career, I should have this car. As much as I desired all of those things, I also felt that by not having them I had failed in life and not lived up to the expectation of where I should be, so I would buy those things to have them, even if I couldn’t afford them. Through these past four years the most important lesson I have learned is self-acceptance, letting go of comparison and being grateful and content in the today, with who I am and all that I have right now. Adopting the “I am enough, I have everything I need” mantra and mindset has been immensely helpful to me. Finding happiness and peace to be content takes a great deal of practice and awareness. During this journey living in the present and learning to be content will be vital to your success.
Learning to be content is probably the hardest lesson I have had to learn and am still learning it. Jealousy and envy are powerful emotions and who doesn’t want a Mercedes convertible or a beach house, or a new truck or whatever it is you have always wanted? I have always wanted a mini cooper convertible and a Chanel handbag, but they are fantasy products, and I’m not actually going to buy them. I have been told I have the worst car in the workplace parking lot, but my car is paid for in cash and that brings me more joy than eight years of car payments could ever bring me. There is societal fear of being content, as we should all be aspiring to something more. Content may mean stagnant or lazy and no one wants to be that. Does more mean fancier stuff instead of being financially secure or happy and just content with what you have?
I now take it right back to basics in my mindset and am grateful that I can walk, talk, see, breathe, eat, read, and feed myself, etc. There are so many things to be grateful for like clean water, having a shower or a flush toilet, being warm and having food, living in a beautiful country, having a partner you have or your pets or family. Blessings are all around you so write them down and find perspective in what is really important. Take time to be grateful for even the smallest things and enjoy being content with what you have every day.
I was comfortable with debt.
I had simply become very comfortable with having debt, and using credit to buy anything and everything I wanted whenever I wanted it. Debt was “normal”, and everyone had debt. I sold debt for a living and there was always someone in more debt than me.
Finding Perspective in what is really important. I am grateful for:
